Amy’s Story
It was just a routine mammogram. I’d never had any issues before and no reason to think this year would be different, but when I noticed that my “all clear” letter hadn’t arrived, I called the doctor’s office just to be sure. I expected them to say that the letter must have gotten lost in the mail and all was good, but that isn’t what happened.
I was told that I needed to come in for a second mammogram. There were a few tiny spots that they wanted to get a better look at. Ok, no problem. Except they didn’t like what they saw on the second mammogram and now a biopsy was ordered. My mom and a couple of friends told me not to worry. This had happened to them too and it always turned out to be nothing. I’d smile and act unconcerned, but the truth was God had already told me that wasn’t going to be my story. When I went to the second mammogram, I knew they were going to send me to get biopsied. When the biopsy came back and I was called in to discuss the results with a specialist, I already knew they were going to tell me it was cancer. When we went to see the breast surgeon and he said depending on a few more tests it was possible that all I’d need was a simple procedure, I knew that those tests were actually going to turn out to reveal that I needed my entire breast removed. I can’t tell you how I knew except to say that when I prayed the second mammogram would be clear, I felt God say, “It won’t be clear, but I am with you,’” and when I prayed that they could just remove the tiny spots with very little tissue loss, He said, “There will be more, but I am with you,” and when I prayed that the area on my skin that my regular doctor had diagnosed as eczema 2 years in a row, wouldn’t come back as a complication to the cancer that would require a full removal of my right breast, He said, “I know it doesn’t make sense for what appeared to be a couple of tiny spots to require such drastic measures, but I am with you.”
As I walked through those appointments leading up to my first surgery, I can honestly say I wasn’t fearful of the procedure. I wasn’t fearful of losing my breast or what that would look and feel like in the aftermath. I was pretty sure I wasn’t going to grieve the loss of my breast, and I haven’t.
The only thing I worried about, the prayer I had on repeat was, “Lord, if you take me from this life due to this cancer, please don’t let it be the reason any of my family members, especially my children lose faith in you.”
You see, I have had a lot of experience with uncertainty, suffering, loss and grief. Enough to know that God is good and can be trusted in the hardest moments. What I didn’t know is whether I had been as faithful to him as he had been to me. Had I testified to his goodness often enough or well enough to see my husband and children through their grief if they lost me.
Well, since I am still here to tell the story, you know that God didn’t choose to test their faith in that way. But what he did do is allow them to experience his goodness themselves and have their own faith grow through it. In doing so he has given me peace that no matter what happens to me, he is with me and he is with them.