Kat’s Story
Tell a story about a way that God changed your life:
Almost all of my life I have struggled with anxiety and panic disorder. From a young age I would have multiple panic attacks a week. When I was young I didn’t know what was going on and it was just a normal part of life. As I grew older and started having sleepovers at friend’s houses and seeing all of my friends making it through an entire night without calling their parents to come pick them up at 3am, I realized one of these things was not like the others.
Around the age of 13 I had a particularly nasty 12-hour panic attack that subsequently led to many years of therapy and medications. It was an embarrassing and lonely time for me because I had avoidance behaviors that other people didn’t understand like avoiding certain (if not all) foods, using my sleeve to open doors, washing my hands constantly, etc. However, during this time in my life, I was really close to God because He made me feel felt less alone. I prayed and begged for him to help me through every panic attack and I truly believed he helped me out of them. I remember when I was 17, I made it through an entire night at my friend’s house and when I came downstairs for breakfast, my friend’s mom was genuinely shocked to see me. It’s funny when I think back on it, but I remember being so proud that I finally made it! I could do this. I could be normal. From then on, my mental health slowly started getting better. As I worked through my anxiety, my panic attacks lessened and as a result, I grew further from God. To me, God was only someone who I needed when I was suffering; he wasn’t someone I needed in the joyous or mundane moments of life.
After graduating high school, I went to college and found myself growing farther away from God and from the church. I wasn’t at home anymore so I no longer had to go to church - it was now my decision. I also didn’t have high anxiety at this point, and therefore my need for God grew faint. I decided at one point that God never actually got me through the rough years of my life and that I would have made it through with or without Him. I convinced myself that 19 years of believing in God and committing my life to Him were pointless and that I could take care of life on my own. I didn’t need a higher power anymore. I had this. Look how far “I” had gotten myself!
Years went on and in 2017 I flew to Haiti for a missions trip with my friends and my dad. When we returned, we were all very sick and and soon this triggered my anxiety again and I felt like I was right back at being 13 years old. My adult journey through anxiety and panic disorder, I would argue, has been more difficult than my younger years because now I have to function daily to make sure that my life stays in order. Now I have a husband. Now I have responsibilities. I no longer have my parents to take care of me. Now it’s just ME against the world.
I once again found myself begging God to help me through the anxiety and panic, only this time I felt like I didn’t deserve it because I pushed Him out of my life for so long. I felt guilty for only calling God back into my life now that I needed Him again. Since being at A10 and digging deeper into the Word, I have learned that God WANTS us to give him our hurt, our pain, our weakness, our listlessness, etc. But I have also learned that God wants our joys, our love, our dreams, our hopes… our boredom. God wants it all.
I have recently watched as the trajectory of my life has slowly shifted. Though I still struggle daily with anxiety, I know that God has bigger plans for me. God knows what I need: Him. And I’m more than happy to have him control my life. Sometimes.